Getting internally honest is an incredibly vulnerable place to visit. Making a ritual of this particular kind of truth telling is an excellent coping mechanism, and one I have successfully employed for a long time. Check me out there, getting all wordy and pulling myself out a little further from the focus of my article. Professional and politic language does that. But I see it. So, maybe the tactic is no longer so successfully employed.
With a growing and perfectly genuine smile of appreciation spreading across my face – I SEE IT.
What a lovely failure.
My amusement bubbles up these days when I catch a failure to disguise my truth. Those slips into not taking myself so seriously; little pathways into open hearted existence. The little ways are the important ones, and for me, much more essential to tuck safely out of sight. Quick! Here’s an appropriately astonishing revelation you need to frame suitably for popular approval — look here! Sleight of truth is a clever skill, with one arched eyebrow that invites approval.
I think I’ve just done that wordy distraction thing again… Knowing my why is harder to know than I thought it would be.
It isn’t only a matter of saying, “This is why I want to write.” It is clearer than, “This is what I want to achieve with my writing.” And, it is certainly more free than, “My genre is—” Which is a sentence I can’t complete, anyway.
There have been moments when I have embraced the truth immediately in front of me and, feeling no other choice possible, dropped into the abyss, only to find that it was just the next step. There were no fanfares, no apocalyptic disasters. Just another step. Recalling the peace resulting from those tiny actions becomes more difficult now. But, I am sure they happened. I’m certain, because I miss the feeling of freedom. I couldn’t miss it if I’d never experienced it.
Perhaps I should compose a short story to myself entitled “Your Why”, and publish it under a pen name in case it’s a flop.
I look forward to telling you all about my why next week. It might be a very short article. I’ll draft a practise piece here:
I like putting words together, it feels good.